


Charlie Writes "The Phantom of the Opera"

by beefwellington



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Comedy, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-06-05 14:56:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15173132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beefwellington/pseuds/beefwellington
Summary: “No, Charlie. We already did that stupid scheme and it failed for you and embarrassed us, no.” Dee says, wiping some dishes.“Look just, read the script at least. It's all written out; Artemis made it legal.” He smacks the thick pad of paper onto the bar.“Legal, Charlie? Do you mean ‘legible’?”





	Charlie Writes "The Phantom of the Opera"

**Author's Note:**

> Is it a rewrite of The Phantom of the Opera if the Gang was wrote into it? Or is it a write of an Always Sunny episode as if the characters had to write PoTO? We'll never know.  
> No real knowledge of PoTO of needed to read this I guess. This butchered them all to hell and back, anyway. my sincerest apologies to Andrew Lloyd Webber.
> 
> Dee/Charlie if you squint, and really only at the end.

Friday.

10:30 AM.

 

“No, Charlie. We already did that stupid scheme and it  _ failed _ for you and embarrassed us,  _ no _ .” Dee says, wiping some dishes.

“Look just, read the script at least. It's all written out; Artemis made it legal.” He smacks the thick pad of paper onto the bar.

“ _ Legal,  _ Charlie? Do you mean ‘legible’?”

“Deandra don't knock the idea ‘till you've seen it. I loved doing the other one.” Frank says. Charlie gestures to Frank, happily.

“See! Someone appreciates it!”

“Frank likes any of your stupid ideas. He probably doesn't even remember the name of it.”

The door opens and Mac enters followed by Dennis.

“Ayo!” Mac yells first, the two walking over to the bar. “What'cha got there, Charlie?” 

“Mac’s here. He'll appreciate it - he loved doing The Nightman Cometh.”

Frank snaps his fingers and widens his eyes like he remembers something. 

“Uh, that shitty play we did like, six years ago?” Mac squints his eyes. “Are you planning on writing another musical, dude?”

“Writing, Mac? No, no.  _ Wrote. _ ” He hands the papers to him.

Mac and Dennis huddle around the papers and Dee walks over to look.

“ _ Phantom of the Opera?  _ Really, man?” Dennis points an open hand to the script. “First of all, you didn't even write Phantom of the Opera to begin with; it's been a play for years. Second of all, is this just another scheme to try and win the Waitress? I think you should give up on that one, buddy.”

Mac and Dee hum in agreement. “Yeah, I don't think that's such a good idea. She's definitely gonna know something’s up.” Dee says.

“No, no. I was doing some research-” 

“Breaking into her apartment?” Mac suggests.

“ _ Research _ , and found out her favorite musical is Phantom of the Opera. So me and Frank watched it and decided to make it a musical!”

“It's already a goddamn musical!” Dee yells, hands clamped, frustrated.

“Well no, like, it's not  _ technically _ , because it takes place in the theater so of course they would be singing.” Dee looks about ready to tear out her hair.

“Hey, wait, wait. I'm down for this idea,” Dennis says, stepping forward. “But of course it depends on who’s going to play the lead.”

“See, finally some common sense. I was gonna make Dee ‘Christine’, because she's the only girl.” They all nod. “Frank is gonna play the Phantom, because he has already has that weird ‘gremlin in the basement’ look.”

Frank seems kind of happy about that and nods.

“Nope, gonna stop you there. There is no way in hell Frank is playing the Phantom,” Dee says. “I am not gonna play another incest part.”

“Well then that only leaves me or Mac and I already have parts for us.”

“Dee’s right, y'know. The Phantom is someone who's ultimately, deep down, a  _ good guy  _ just trying to be loved,” Dennis says.

“Mm nope.” Dee shakes her head. Dennis puts one finger up to her.

“Who’s tremendous want for power turns him bad. In the end, of course, the girl still falls for him. So that's why I think  _ I  _ should play the Phantom.”

“How could you misinterpret a character so easy to understand?” Dee asks. “And that's still incest! No way!”

“Um, question.” Mac raises his hand slightly.

“Yes, Mac,” Dennis says, pointing at him.

“I’ve never seen Phantom of the Opera.”

The gang goes silent.

“You're gonna have to watch it so you can understand your part. Which, by the way, is Raoul.”

“No way. Musicals are pretty gay.”

He hears Dee and Dennis groan.

“Just watch it, okay! It's not gay, Gerard Butler is in it.” Charlie says.

“Charlie’s right. It was two hours of two dudes fightin’ over one chick. Nothin’ gay about that.” Frank suggests, raising his eyebrows.

“Two guys, Frank? They probably had homo-erotically charged moments.”

“You've never even see it!” Dee says, irritated.

“Okay, okay.” Dennis walks up to the middle of the circle. “Mac is right - it  _ did _ have some homo-erotically charged moments, but now I'm interested in this play idea Charlie’s got. And frankly, I want to find out which part  _ I'm  _ getting. So can we please move on?”

The gang nods and Mac huffs a “fine”.

“Charlie?” Dennis steps back.

“Right well, as I was saying, Dee would be Christine. Frank is the Phantom-”

“Nope absolutely not.” Dee says.

“Mac is going to be Raoul because I think he'd pull off the swordfight the best.”

“Who’s Raoul?” Mac asks.

“The - the Visitor of Champagne.”

“ _ Vicomte de Changny _ ,” Dee corrects. “And also nope. I don't want Mac to be my lover.”

“Ew I don't wanna be  _ Dee’s _ lover! Your casting sucks, dude!”

“Well I'm sorry!” His voice rises dramatically. “You try casting when half of the gang is related! Or did you not want to do the play, hm?”

“We-we wanna do the play…” They all mumble.

“Yeah - alright - good. Now let me get through this casting. I will be the manager but we'll have to pretend there’s only one of them. And Dennis will be Carlotta.”

“Carlotta? The goddamn opera singer?”

“Well, yeah. I figured you should be because she's kinda stuck up and you're kinda stuck up. It just sorta fit.”

Dennis sighs. “I’m gonna go with Mac here and say that your casting  _ does _ indeed suck. That much we can agree on.”

Dee and Mac agree and Frank stays silent. 

“And I think I, personally, should find a role that's best suited  _ for everyone. _ I mean, guys, we don't even have enough people for a Madame Giry?” He laughs. “She was an  _ integral _ part of the opera house.”

“That old broad didn't even do anything to help the guys! She just let that chick get kidnapped.” Frank yells.

“Now, now. I had to cut a few people out - the less important ones - to let the big ones shine! It got way too confusing with what was happening. Like why were they even fighting over her in the first place?” Charlie asks.

They all groan. 

 

They spend the first hour huddled around on the barstools with Dennis in the middle taking notes about each of the gang members, then writing detailed notes about each of the characters of the musical.

They spend the second and third hour arguing over every point on their notes, yelling over each other about how they “totally aren't alcoholic assholes,  _ Dennis _ , goddammit, erase that”. 

They spend the fourth hour, notes forgotten, drinking and trying to come up the meanest things they can think about each other. Dee is going pretty strong, getting deep into their faults and weaknesses (they won't admit that some stung a little) as “payback for Chardee MacDennis”, she says.

They spend the fifth and last hour back on the notes after someone mentioned the word “fathom” and Charlie’s inebriated mind shot right back to “Phantom” and he yelled at them to  _ put together the cast list already.  _

 

It's shoddy; half of it is illegible and erased or scratched over but Dennis finishes the list and holds it up triumphantly.

Dennis

- ~~ golden god ~~

-asshole

-narcissistic

**Phantom**

 

Dee

-woman

-bird (fuck off Mac) 

-bitchy like carlotta

**Carlotta**

 

Mac

-totally badass!

-strong!

-sheriff of paddy’s

- ~~ gay (perfect for raoul) ~~

**Christine**

 

Charlie

-illiterate (it's ok he won't be able to read this)

-

**Raoul**

 

Frank

-troll

-funding this?

**Manager**

 

“How’s this? This way we all get the part we want, right?”

They remain silent for a moment before they rain down upon Dennis.

“Goddammit you cut me out of the main lead!”

“I don't wanna be the goddamn chick, dude!” 

“Yeaaah I'm not too sure I want to be Raoul. He doesn't even get the girl.”

“Charlie, the  _ manager _ didn't get the girl. Nor did the Phantom, really. If anything Raoul’s the only one who  _ did  _ get the girl.” Dennis explains.

“You only gave yourself the part  _ you _ wanted.” Frank says.

“Frank, you didn't even seem like you cared until 5 minutes ago.”

“Goddammit give me that.” Dee swipes the paper from his hand and starts scratching out the names and rewriting the casting. “Have to do everything my goddamn self.”

 

Five minutes later, and no less arguing, she slams the finished copy onto the bar.

“There. You douche-dicks better thank me.”

 

Dennis

**Madame Giry**

 

Dee

**Christine**

 

Mac

**Raoul / Carlotta**

 

Charlie

**Phantom**

 

Frank

**Manager / Joseph Buqet**

 

“Hey this isn't too bad, actually.” Charlie says, after Dee reads it out for him.

The rest of them start all arguing over each other.

“Goddammit. One at a time.” They raise their hands. She points at Mac.

“I already said I don't want to be your lover  _ or _ a chick,”

“Well to be fair, Raoul and Christine don't really do much and besides, they don't even kiss. It's either that or play Christine ‘cause I am not doing something with Dennis.” Dee says. “And if you're so caught up in your false sense of masculinity that you can't even play a chick, we’ll just make her a dude and call her ‘Carlito’ or something.” Dee says. Mac doesn't say anything so she moves on and points at Frank.

“Yeah, who the hell is this Joseph guy?” 

“Well, Frank, he's the one who dies.”

“What! I don't wanna die!” 

“He gets to hold a whip.”

“I accept this role.” Frank nods his head approvingly. She points at Dennis, still pathetically holding his hand up.

“I don't want to play Madame Giry. I think I'm better suited for the Phantom. Or, hell, even Raoul.”

She shakes her head. “Mm nope. You wanted Madame Giry so you got her.”

“Well, why does Mac at least get to be  _ Carlito _ when I'm still stuck here playing a Madame?” 

“Because Mac will make more of a fuss than you will.”

“She’s right, I will.” Mac nods.

“Alright, let's get this show on the road!” 

Dennis folds his arms and sulks while the gang cheers.

“Alright everyone. Here's the script, please memorize it. Artemis took great care to write it for me.”

Artemis, sitting in one of the crappy theater chairs, smiles as Charlie passes out the scripts. “Let me tell you, it was pretty damn hard. And I'm not just saying that.”

Charlie shakes his head 

“Dude, I haven't even  _ seen _ Phantom of the Opera but this does  _ not  _ look like it's true to the original,” Mac says, flipping through the booklet.

“Yeah. This looks like you  _ wrote  _ a play based off of what you  _ think  _ it's about,” Dennis agrees. Charlie tilts his eyes to the side. “Have - have you never seen the movie?” 

Charlie taps his index fingers together.

They all groan “goddammit Charlie”. 

“Well, what about Frank, then? Didn't you say you guys watched it together?” Dee asks.

Frank was in the washroom, something about a  _ nervous bladder _ , and they think they understand why now.

“Well, y’see, me and Frank got about like, halfway through it, y'know? Like up to where the man appears in the mirror - the horse was cool though - before we got really bored and turned it off.”

Dennis shakes his head. “ _ The man in the mirror _ , Charlie, is the goddamn Phantom! And that's only 20 minutes  _ into _ the movie!” 

“And yet you still decided to write a whole musical based off of those 20 minutes. Amazing,” Dee says as she widens her eyes. “Was this even about the Waitress to begin with?” 

There's a silent pause as he shuffles his feet awkwardly.

“Actually, I kind of just wanted to do some sort of  _ thing  _ with you guys. Something nice, y'know?” The anger eases off of Dennis’ face and Dee’s face softens too. Mac had just been squinting his eyes at Charlie’s whole confession before relaxing. “We’re always doing like, schemes and shit, and I just wanted to do something fun. So I had Frank look up some stuff about the musical and had Artemis transcribe a script for me.”

They're quiet when Frank returns from the washroom, shoes off.

“Why the hell are you all so quiet?” He looks around before staring directly at Charlie. “Oh shit, did we get busted?” He reaches for his gun on instinct.

“Woah, woah - we didn't get busted, Frank, calm down. I told them what happened and they still want to continue doing the musical.”

“Well, hold up a second, buddy. We never said we wanted to keep doing the musical after you lied to us.” Dennis holds out his arms in a half-shrug. “Now, I'll do it on one condition - I get to switch roles.”

They all throw their scripts at him.

 

“Sing for me! Sing for  _ me _ !” Charlie is screeching in a faux high-pitch sound. He remembered he had an actual Phantom costume from a few Halloweens back and dressed in it, the only one in an actual costume.

(“Why do you even  _ have  _ that costume if you never saw the musical!” “I told you, I thought it was a vampire!”) 

Frank had managed to pull some strings and bring a horse to the small stage they were rehearsing at. It wasn't white like Charlie wanted and it wasn't a big horse but some miniature pony but Charlie seemed pleased anyway. The pony’s unrideable unless they want to crush it, so Dee is squatting over it and walking with it.

“Goddammit  _ Phantom  _ I'm already singing! Let me do my thing,” Dee deadpans. She’s holding the script in her hands and glancing back to it every so often.

“Oh this is  _ definitely  _ where Charlie stopped watching,” Dennis says to Mac as he nods.They've been sitting and making comments to each other now that their parts were over for a few scenes. Frank was off to the side flirting with Artemis and sometimes chiming in with his line.

“I'm just hoping that I'll save the show with my awesome  _ Red owl. _ ”

“Jesus Christ how can none of you remember the names. It's  _ Raoul _ .”

“Yeah whatever, dude. Red Owl is cooler. Either way, I'm gonna be the saving grace of this.”

“So help me God, Mac, if you call him Red Owl during the actual play.”

Charlie helps Dee stand up and step off the pony. He bows, arm over his chest, and gestures to her to walk with him to his “bedroom” - the small bed they used for The Nightman Cometh surrounded by black sheets. Mac’s pretty sure those sheets used to be white.

Charlie helps Dee sit on the bed as he gestures around her, singing his lines, before Dee pretends to sleep. He sets the blanket over her before walking to a run-down desk that is supposedly the “living room”.

When Dee awakes, she sings a song that sounds like she’s almost rapping it due to Charlie’s simplistic lines before walking behind him and lifts the mask off his face. Charlie lets off the loudest and highest scream the gang’s ever heard.

“Jesus  _ Christ _ , Charlie. What the hell was that?!” Dee sticks a finger in her ear and scratches it.

“Well I'm  _ sorry!  _ I was just trying to accurately portray the Phantom’s feelings.”

“Fine but can't you just be a bit quieter? You're gonna pop someone’s eardrum if you do that on stage.”

“Let’s just restart the scene, can we?” He shoos Dee back to the bed and pretends to start writing again.

“Jesus Christ what was that?” He mutters to Dennis.

“Must be a dream come true for Charlie to be as dramatic as possible on a stage.”

“Dude that's like,  _ your _ dream.”

Dennis just gives him a pointed look.

 

After three hours of trying to get through the first act, Mac making a face every time he has to hold hands with Dee and Charlie restarting the scene, they finally call a break.

All of them gather around Charlie when he calls them - sans Frank and Artemis who probably went off in the bathroom to shove bottles up their ass or whatever they do.

“Okay a solid first act, everyone. Dee you sound kind of  _ monotone  _ sometimes so will you try to act?” Charlie asks.

“Hey!” 

“And Dennis, you don't  _ sound  _ like a bitter old lady, okay?”

“Because I'm not one.” Dennis shrugs his shoulders.

“Mac, you're fine but please stop making faces at Dee every time. If you do that on stage I swear to God I will tear  _ your _ face apart.” Charlie raises his eyebrows in a way to encourage remarks. No one says anything. “Okay, good. Anyone else?”

“Yeah. This entire thing blows,” Mac says, spinning his finger around to signify the play.

Dee and Dennis hum in agreement. Charlie takes a deep breath and puts his hand on his nose, pinching the bridge.

“Let’s just start practice again.”

 

The second act goes much smoother, albeit as smooth as a half-written play can go. They say their lines one scene at a time and the biggest argument they get into is whether or not Christine should have gone with Raoul or the Phantom (Charlie says Phantom because he doesn't really get it anyway, Dennis says Phantom because he likes him, Mac says Raoul, and Dee says Raoul because he wasn't weird like the Phantom. Dennis boos at her for that).

Charlie has to say Frank’s lines for him until him and Artemis return, stinking of sweat, and he can continue.

When the play ends, Charlie gives a standing ovation (whether that was for his own work or for the actors, no one knew). Frank pats him on the back and they all disband and go back to their respective apartments. “So this entire plan is going to crash and burn, isn't it?” Mac asks Dennis as they're lazing on the couch, exhausted from the long rehearsal.

“Oh absolutely. They're going to bomb and fail and take us out with them.”

“Maybe we can like, do something to make this actually a good musical.”

“Mac, we could get Gerard Butler himself to come play the Phantom and it still wouldn't be passable.”

Mac likes to think that maybe he'd give it a  _ bit _ of a pass if Gerard Butler was there.

 

“Charlie, this is the  _ stupidest  _ plan you've had in years,” Frank says. He's picking lint out of his toes with his toe knife. “You should have let me play the Phantom. We could just cut the stupid shit and keep the fightin’.”

Charlie shakes his head and paces. He's heard that same sentence in different variations over the past ten minutes.

“Frank, you don't get it man. This isn't for some scheme or some points or something. I just wanted to write a musical again.”

“We said it before and we'll say it again:  _ no one  _ writes a musical without a reason.”

“Ooh Frank, ya got me! I wrote a musical again because I'm  _ plotting _ something! Is that what you want to hear?”

“If you're plotting something, Charlie, why the hell didn't ya tell me! I love plotting!”

“Because you would have thought it was stupid!” The two are raising their voices.

“You know I don't think your plans are stupid! Tell me what you're plotting!” 

Charlie takes a deep breath. “You'll see it happen first-hand, Frank.” Shoddy rehearsal after shoddy rehearsal will add up to one  _ perfect  _ performance, Charlie wants to believe; but he knows even the first and only performance of The Nightman Cometh was, at best, pathetic.

They had passed out fliers on  _ regular  _ sheets of paper (Mac had insisted on another shape, like a mask, but Charlie and Dennis knew the outcome of that), told the only people that were on  _ some _ terms with them, and Charlie asked the Waitress by jumping out of more bushes at her but whether or not she would show was anybody’s guess.

He took a quick peek at the audience - also pathetic, but at least there were some people there they didn't know. The Waitress wasn't there, as far as he could tell, but maybe she didn't want to be in the hot seat again if Charlie did some stupid proposal thing again. He gathered the rest and huddled them up. They're all in their costumes: Charlie in his Halloween Phantom costume, Dee is wearing her pink dress from The Nightman Cometh, Frank is wearing a black suit - the most money he put into any of the costumes, Dennis is wearing a nun costume without the hood they had picked up at the local costume store (which Mac had protested about since  _ Dude you are not a catholic, you’re gonna go to hell. _ ), and Mac is dressed up in a colorful robe they found at a thrift store which he's pretty sure is just a shortened dress. He bargained with Charlie to at least let him wear pants underneath.

“Okay, guys. Let's do our best, alright?”

“Ehh… I’m not really feelin’ this one, y’know?” Dee says. The gang nods and agrees.

“Yeah I agree. I'm not really liking my part now. Can I switch with Dennis?” Mac asks.

“Yeah I'm thinking more of an  _ action  _ sequence thing now - I'll personally kick the Phantom’s ass, old lady style. Hey, Mac,  _ Red Owl _ ?” Dennis gives his arm a light tap.

“No! No one’s switching their parts, okay?! And no action sequences, either!” Charlie yells. “Just go out there and  _ try _ and so help me God if any of you blow this for me I will eat all of your faces off your face!”

The lights set and Artemis, on sound again, gives a short introduction.

“Oh, by the way, no extra songs. Please. No one is gonna do an extra song?” Charlie asks, casting suspiciously at the others. No one speaks up.

“...I was gonna do an extra song.” Dennis raises his hand. The others all give a defeated “yeah”.

Charlie bites his lip, runs his hands through his hair, and takes a deep breath before moving to the other side of the backstage.

The music starts to play.

 

Dee and Dennis move onto the side of the stage while Mac shuffles off to the middle of the stage, spotlight shining down. He places a hand on his chest dramatically, like he remembers Dennis showed him to do, and another raised near his head like he remembers watching in his mother’s soap operas.

He sings a grated version of  _ Think of Me _ before the “curtain” falls - a red blanket that is tossed onto him from the ceiling. He falls with a hand over his head like a fair maiden and gives a fake scream.

Dennis runs in, Dee in tow, to help him stand up. Frank runs in from the other side of the stage to stand around Mac.

“These things  _ do _ happen,” Dennis says with a terrible fake French accent. He can see Charlie watching him with  _ murder _ on his mind.

“These things happen bro?!” He’s putting on a terrible Italian accent to match the terrible French one. Dennis sees Charlie shake his head. “Why don't you stop them from happening?! Or are you trying to hide something?”

“Please,  _ Carlito _ , I know no more than anyone else.”

Mac steps closely, a friendly anger in his eyes. He jabs Dennis’ chest. “Oh that's total bullshit, Madame! And until you can fix these things, I am gone!” He turns around and exits stage left.

“Oh! Oh no! My star!” Frank wails his arms around. “Who will play the star!”

Dennis pushes Dee up towards him. “Christine Daae will do it.”

“ _ Heeeer?! _ ” He stresses each letter like he's a panelist judge. “Why, she's just a ballet girl!”

“She has been well trained.”

Frank gives a laugh. The music starts up again.

“Go, sing. Impressssss me.” Dennis squints his eyes at Frank’s vowel elongation.

Dee sings the rest of  _ Think of Me _ . They don't have the fancy motorized sets that they need, so they dim the lights and have Mac and Charlie carry in a shittily drawn background to show that she  _ is,  _ in fact, singing in front of a different audience.

The lights come up too quickly so Charlie and Mac get caught, full costumes on, in front of the audience.

“A-ah! I caught you,  _ Phantom!  _ It is I,  _ Raoul _ !”

“You’re still in your Carlito costume, dipshit,” Dee whisper-yells to him.

“It is I, then!  _ Carlito _ ! Here to kill you, Phantom, for ruining my performance!” Charlie bolts off stage to the back and Mac runs after him.

“Jesus Christ,” Dennis states, watching the entire thing unfold. “Great performance. Go back to your dressing room.” He switches back to his French accent.

Frank and Dennis walk off stage. Mac tries to push in the vanity with his foot before Dee gets annoyed and just drags it herself to center stage.

“Where is my angel of music?” She sighs dramatically, sitting in front of the mirror.

“I am here!” Charlie says, out of breath.

“Where! Angel, I do not see you!” 

“Here!”

Dee spins around seeing Charlie ten feet away behind her.

“Goddamit the mirror is facing the other way. Just,” She whispers before raising her voice again. “My angel of music!”

“Come to me, angel of music!”

Dee stands up, raising her arms like a zombie before Charlie shakes his head and she lowers them.

Mac runs up on his cue and pretends to knock on a door. He's changed into his Raoul costume now - a simple jacket and the pants under his Carlito outfit.

“Who is in there! Christine?!” Mac yells.

“Come to me, angel!” Dee walks towards Charlie.

“I know there's someone in there! You bitch!” He's pointing drastically at a fake door.

Dee walks over and takes Charlie’s hand as the lights dim and focus on them. Mac walks off stage and the music starts.

The two sing a near perfect duet of the song before hitting Christine’s final high note.

“Sing! Sing for me!” Charlie yells. 

“I am singing Phantom, so shut up and listen!” She interrupts before seaming her note back in.

The pony did not make it to the final cut - it shat over the practice theater but they're  _ pretty  _ sure there was never a “no animals” policy to begin with. In lieu of a horse, they walk across the stage and back.

Charlie holds out his hand and Dee accepts it. He guides her to the same disgusting bed with the same gross bedsheets surrounding it and helps her into the bed.

He meanders over to the bed, doing an almost exact vampire walk, before sitting down at a desk.

Dee awakens and looks around. “I remember there was a boat, and a lake. And a man…” She turns her head towards Charlie and walks to him. “But who  _ was  _ that man?” 

The rest of the gang had decided to put their own input into  _ I Remember _ , as Charlie had 1) wrote such terrible lyrics and 2) made Christine act as if she had amnesia and truly did  _ not _ know what a lake was. 

Dee walks behind Charlie and removes his mask. He screams the loudest and highest pitch scream he can muster.

The entire audience recoils. “Ow goddammit Ch-Phantom,” Dee says as she rubs her ear. Charlie turns around and grabs her wrist that's holding the mask.

The makeup job for Charlie’s grotesque face is, as everything else about their play,  _ horrible. _

(“Why don't you just go as yourself, Charlie? You're ugly enough as is,” Mac says before Charlie wacks him hard on the shoulder). Frank’s makeup guy had cancelled last minute on them and so they were stuck doing it themselves. Dennis applied some foundation and some red splotches, Dee had added the shadows, and Mac (tried) to do the eye to seem more grotesque. In the end, it was just like he had put on baroque makeup and was out on the town.

“Disgusting! Isn't it?!” His voice is high pitched. “This loathsome face! How I secretly  _ dream _ of beauty! I may seem a beast but secretly.  _ Secretly. _ ” He released her wrists and turned back to the audience, pretending to sob.

 

“Charlie’s pretty damn good at this, dude. He might even be better than you,” Mac says offstage to Dennis.

“No way, man. You'll see how ‘damn good’ Charlie is when I show him the Madame Giry lashing of a lifetime.”

Frank has been taking a nap since his first scene. They can wake him up when they need him, they all figure, but no one really remembers  _ who  _ exactly Frank is playing.

 

Dee silently hands back the mask and he puts it on.

“Come; we must return. That fool who runs my theater will be missing you,” Charlie continues, grabbing Dee’s wrist and pulling her offstage.

Coincidentally, that next scene which was planned  _ was  _ indeed when they needed Frank. A long minute stretches in silent, pitch-black theater, before the next minute starts. Charlie kicks Frank a few times to try and stir him but he threatens him to pull his gun if he tries it again. No one knows what to do when the third minute threatens to tick, and they can hear the audience murmuring amongst themselves.

“Well, looks like this is time for Madame Giry to kick ass,” Dennis says. “Mac,  _ Red Owl _ ?”

Mac grins at him. “Hell yeah, dude.”

The two sprint off onto the stage while Charlie looks completely defeated and about ready to break down crying.

 

On stage, Artemis sees the two and raises the lights. Upon realizing Frank isn’t there she gives them a confused look but Dennis waves his hands to proceed forward. He holds up the original prop note they had written, a scrawl of Charlie’s attempt at writing, and looks at Mac.

“It has come to my attention, Raoul, that we have each received a note from the  _ ghost _ himself,” He unfolds it open with a flick of his wrist. “He says now that Christine Daae has been returned to our care, he wishes to see her excel in her performance tonight.”

Dennis tilts his nose to the ceiling slightly. “But we shouldn’t play his game, no, we shouldn’t give him that satisfaction.”

“Madame Giry, what do you suggest?” Mac asks.

“I say we should take him out. Tonight, while he is watching Miss Daae’s performance at his usual seat in Box Five.” He points dramatically to the wall where, if it were any bigger a theater, a box would probably be placed. Instead it’s just a blank wall. “As soon as he shows himself, you go up there and kick his ass.”

Mac pumps his fist. “Kick his ass! Tonight at the performance! Red Owl  _ out _ !” He rushes off stage, chanting  _ ‘kick his ass’ _ . At that moment, Frank rushes in past him onto the center stage near Dennis.

“I have a note! I have  _ just  _ received a note!” He says, waving around a piece of paper.

Dennis holds out his arms, confused. “Frank what the hell are you doing? We already did this scene.”

“No it says  _ right  _ here,” he points to nothing. “That Christine Daae has not been returned to us yet and that he still hasn’t been paid.”

Dennis holds out his hand to try and stop him.

“No seriously, Frank, we’re over this.” Dennis raises his voice a little to address the audience. “Seriously, everyone, we’re past this. Christine Daae is safe in our care now.” He turns back to Frank. “Frank, get the hell out of here. You fell asleep so Mac and I are doing our own thing now.”

“Oh yeah? What the hell are you two gonna do?”

Dennis raises his voice again. “Well, Raoul and I were going to fight the phantom tonight, while he is in his usual box.”

It’s at that moment that Charlie’s voice rings over the theater through a microphone. “You  _ fools  _  will never be able to defeat me, the Phantom! I  _ will _ be at the performance tonight and Christine Daae  _ must _ be the lead, or there will be consequences!”

Frank and Dennis look around confused before Dee runs out toward the two of them, Mac in tow behind her. They can see Charlie’s shadow disappear off stage.

“I’m here! I’m back and safe now!” She says, looking happy.

“Look, my  _ lover _ , is back.” Mac grits  _ lover  _ between his teeth.

“Yeah that’s great,” Dennis waves her away with his hand. “Did you hear our plan, Miss Daae? You are going to play the lead in tonight’s performance.”

“Oh my how-” Dee begins before Mac cuts her off.

“We’re gonna kick the Phantom’s ass tonight! You will sing and call him here and then you will be free!”

“What? No, I can’t sing for him any more! He frightens me!” Dee inches closer to Mac to pretend to give some semblance that they’re lovers.

“You have to do it, Christine! We have to kick his ass so you can be free!”

“He’ll take me back to his lair! I can’t sing for him!”

Mac grabs Dee by the arm and lightly tugs her off towards the other end of the stage to pretend that they’re outside of the theater. Dennis and Frank walk off stage, Charlie beckoning them to talk to him.

Mac and Dee sing through their Charlie-fied rendition of  _ All I Ask of You _ , all while Mac grits through pretending to like Dee.

 

Backstage, Charlie shakes his hand fervently at Dennis and Frank until they’re right in front of him.

“What do you want, man? I had an excellent plan,” Dennis says.

“Yeah, Charlie, I didn’t even get to sing my part!”

“Listen, listen. Dennis, you and Mac can do your little thing of Red Owl and Madame Giry or whatever,” Charlie says. Dennis gives a ‘ _ sweet’ _ in response. “Frank, you just have to sit through the rest of the play. Go back to sleep or something.” Frank nods his head and hums approval.

“So what’s the plan, then? If we’re changing this much already?” Dennis asks. Frank meanders off to a chair and promptly starts snoring.

“Okay, so instead of like, the  _ entire  _ second half since you two decided to just jump straight to the end, we’re gonna go straight to the end number, where they dance with each other and Christine falls in love with the Phantom?”

“Not exactly what happened but at least someone gets it.”

“Right well, we’ll jump straight to there, then when she takes off my mask and I take her back down to the lair, I told Artemis to make the chandelier crash at this point, then we’ll continue from the lair part. Sound good?” Charlie asks, calming down from his previous anger.

“Yeah that sounds pretty solid actually.”

“Okay good. Don’t screw this up. Oh, that’s my queue, gotta go.” He bolts off back onto stage to sing his melodic soliloquy before running back off stage.

 

Since changing the entire shift of the play, they skip the intermission and jump straight back into Dee in center stage, starting to sing  _ The Point of No Return _ . Dennis stands on one side of the stage, hands clasped like an older woman. Mac stands on the other standing in a faux karate-chop pose, looking ready to pounce as soon as the song finishes.

Charlie wafts gently through the stage, singing his duet with Dee.

“Say you’ll love me and share with me one love, one lifetime,” Charlie sings. “Anywhere you go, let me go too.” He’s staring pretty intensely into Dee’s eyes. Mac and Dennis exchange looks, half hidden in the darkness, to one another. “ _ Christine _ , that’s all I ask of-”

He screams his high-pitched scream again when Dee rips off his mask. The makeup remains the same as before, probably even worse if the lights were up. Everyone on stage gasp loudly while Charlie grabs Dee’s wrist and pulls her to where Dennis is standing. Where they were standing, a bottle smashes onto ground in a mock attempt at a chandelier crashing.

“Madame Giry, don’t do this!” He says, raising his foot to Dennis’ knee height.

“Charlie, oh shit, no don’t,  _ fuck _ ,  _ what the hell, Ch-Phantom! _ ” He proclaims as he gets kicked in the knee. “I was going to move!”

Dee and Charlie round back to Mac’s side of the stage, where he’s posed again to fight.

“If you want her, you’re going to have to go through me!” Mac exclaims.

Charlie lets go of Dee’s wrist and opens his arms to encourage him. Mac lunges forward but gets stopped and trips on a rope tied around his ankles.

“Wh- what? What the shit?” He looks down, then back up at Charlie, who gives him a wry smile. Charlie gives a thumbs up to someone behind Mac and Dee laughs. “Oh  _ goddamn  _ Frank.”

He wraps his arm around Dee’s waist. “If you want to save him, you must spend the rest of your days with me! You will be my lover until our deaths!”

Dee pretends to struggle a bit, but Charlie’s grip isn’t that tight to begin with.

“But if you refuse me he will  _ die _ !” He pushes Dee between the two of them where she looks between the both of them.

“I gave you my mind blindly, Phantom!”

“Make your choice!” Charlie points his finger at Mac, trying to untie the rope.

_ Goddamn Frank and his extensive knowledge of knots.  _ Mac only worsens the knot.

“What kind of life have you known, pitiful creature of darkness?” She moves towards Charlie. “Let me show you, you are not alone!” She puts a hand on his face and kisses him softly. Charlie lets out a whimper while Mac looks taken aback. Charlie pushes her away.

“Leave me! Go now!” He unties the ropes around Mac’s ankles, Frank teaching him earlier, before stalking away from the two of them. “Leave this place! Never speak of this again!”

Dee helps Mac up with a hand on his arm, though lets him do most of the work. They shuffle around each other as a way of showing that their characters are  _ indeed  _ in love.

“Forget all of this! Forget all you’ve seen!” Charlie falls to the ground on his knees and lets out one last scream. Dee and Mac rush offstage while the curtain falls and the entire theater turns to darkness.

When the curtain rises to do their bows, the theater has been nearly emptied. They bow anyway, congratulate themselves, then bow again. Charlie thinks he sees the waitress leave in one of the last crowds, but Frank tells him not to count on it when he asks about it later.

 

They return to the bar, tired, but not enough to head back to their respective homes.

“Hey, Charlie, that was a pretty good performance,” Dee says afterwards, passing beers to everyone. “Writing was a little mediocre but you did great.”

“Yeah, thanks. I didn’t expect it to be like, a  _ Less Miserable- _ production but we did good. All of us.” He hears everyone mumble a ‘ _ Less Miserable?’ _ . 

“Yeah, it was great, buddy. And you didn’t pull any stunts like last time, so that’s definitely a plus.” Dennis adds.

Mac nods. “I mean, you did kiss Dee on stage. Maybe it  _ was _ better you were the Phantom. I don’t think I could stomach that.”

“ _ Hey! _ ” Dee protests, though she couldn’t stomach kissing Mac either.

Charlie shrugs and sips his beer. “Actors do what they gotta do, right?”

Everyone mumbles out an agreement and sit in relative silence in the bar, the day’s events washing over them, before they stumble out and head to their apartments.

 

“Charlie, did you plan that?” Frank asks back in the comfort of their apartment.

“Plan what, dude?”

“Y’know. That kiss. I don’t remember doing anything like that in our rehearsals so is that some shit you talked to Deandra about in private? Seemed pretty good for something not rehearsed.”

“Now that you mention it, Dee  _ was _ the one who helped rewrite my original scripts.” Charlie thinks, cocking an eyebrow.

“Like I said, Charlie, no one writes a musical without a reason.”

**Author's Note:**

> I got _really_ into wanting to write the gang, but had no idea what to really do. So I combined some things I liked and ka-blam, here we are


End file.
